literature

Cheers for those who've saved

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SelahNox's avatar
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Literature Text

A voice of sheer anger, sets fire to the night
The screaming rage of drum beats,
Give lightning reasons to strike
The words, they give volume
To those who've seen sadness show its face
And in the shadows of the darkness
The fire fights the rain

This is music I can sing to
It sets my mind ablaze
This is the joy I've discovered
It keeps me halfway tame
Without knowing that I'm not alone
I know I would be long gone
No matter how messed up I appear to be
There are five guys that are just as bad as me

Singing 'Welcome to the Black Parade'
It's made me who I am
And 'Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge'
The Killjoy's raid shall never end
The 'Danger Days' the Bullet's saved
Every tear with praise
The love you brought me on that day
When you saw America's fate

So 'Sing it for the world' today
And let this day be great
The only hope for me is a world
That has music I can live for
I bring you bullets, you bring me love
But it's more than one on one
You've saved the lives of the people
And you have also saved mine

I'll never change for another, for you have taught me so
I am who I am, no matter what I have ever been told
I've shed my tears, and faced my fears
This is far from a quick fix
It's a lifelong love of men who brought my fears to their knees
A poem I wrote to show my appreciation of My Chemical Romance.

For this contest -> [link]

Remembering something...

(c)My Chemical Romance - Use of their song names and such
(c)ME - Poem
Comments9
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silverfleckedlullaby's avatar
Hi!

Thoughts/suggestions:

-"A voice of sheer anger, sets fire to the night"
I'd suggest inserting a line break after anger

-"Give lightning reasons to strike" This should read "Gives lightning..." because it's a continuation of "the screaming rage" (the screaming rage gives lightning)

-"To those who've seen sadness show its face" This line seems a bit clunky...maybe you could change it to "To those who've seen sadness (linebreak) show its (adjective) face"

-"And in the shadows of the darkness
The fire fights the rain" Nice lines :) Maybe end the stanza with a period?

-You might want to add colons at the ends of the first and third lines of the second stanza

-"just as bad as me" seems like it could be put more elegantly

-Nice rhythm in the third stanza

-"You've saved the lives of the people
And you have also saved mine" might read better if you modified it to
"You've saved the lives of other people
The way you once saved mine"

-"It's a lifelong love of men who brought my fears to their knees" insert linebreak after men?

-Overall, the poem is a bit simplistic, but the rhythm is fairly consistent throughout, and as it's kind of personal, I wouldn't want to criticize the lack of literary devices and sophistication. In other non-emotional/impersonal poetry, I would suggest you try using devices like metaphors, imagery and alliteration amongst others more often and increasing your vocabulary in order to use words that are just plain delicious. Subtlety is something you might want to aim towards.

Hope this helps!