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Bleeding Cross - CreepyPasta
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James bought a newspaper in one of the shops of the bridge. They were always open, and each evening James was there for see the news. But those were always the same: "Found a
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~

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The Holder of ImmunityThe Holder of Immunity
Creepypasta (c) Brandon Aquino 2013
The Holder Series (c) Original Author/s
_
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The Witness of Your Sins

:iconselahdenoctiluca:

       She doesn't look up to see the look on his face as he comes in. She won't talk, and doesn't move. The vein in his face is pounding as his eyes seems to focus on her her, and his pupils dilate.  
       "I'm making your favorite." She offers, focusing on the skillet she holds in her oven mitt. Her eyes are glazed and she appears out of focus, as if she doesn't really see what's in front of her.  The chicken is burning, she doesn't notice. He doesn't either. His eyes rest on her back, which is turns to him.
       Ding! The toast is done. Buzz buzz. That's all to be heard, his shallow, rapid breaths and her heart only just getting up to speed. Buzz
       Her mouth flies open to let out the agony. Surprise lights up her face as her life drains away. Buzz buzz. He's gone blind it seems. The blows are coming down at random. He doesn't seem to hear her cries, doesn't notice when the pounding stops and he's focused on relaxes in his arms Buzz. 

       They find her long after her hours are up. They can't find a soul as a witness, and they won't questions me. I see everything. Buzz. I hide in wait, your secrets on my wings. I sit in the kitchen, take part in her final meal, but of course they don't see me. After all, I'm just a fly on the wall.
:iconselahdenoctiluca:
That's right. A friend of mine told me to write a murder from the point of view of a sophisticated fly. Oh boy I did.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconagmeade:
*AGMeade Jan 30, 2013  Professional Writer
Hey. <3 My general disclaimer: Nothing I say is intended as a personal attack. I'm focused only on the writing and these are really just my opinions. If there is anything you don't agree with, feel free to disregard.

First up, liked the concept. It's "off the wall" enough to make it interesting. I actually really like the execution, too. I can't wait to see it when it's all polished up.

Now onto the critique itself.

The first line is hooky, but I kind of took issue with the fact that the perspective is from a fly who has no idea whether she is pretending anything. It was something that bothered me a little throughout the piece. How does the fly know she's pretending, that she doesn't "really" see the chicken? A little later in that same scene, you mention that she doesn't notice it's burning. Totally bought that. It was something that a third party could observe. The thoughts are a little more tricky. It gets better as you move through the story. Words like "Seem" or "appear" (or whatever else you can come up with) will help to smooth that out a bit. "She doesn't seem to see the look on his face as he comes in." Or, whatever you come up with. Make sure your fly isn't delving into their thoughts.

The other general suggestion I have is to have the buzzing italicized rather than encased by dashes. I think it would lend a little more subtly to the piece, give it a bit more polish.

Some specific problem areas:

He focuses on her back, which turn to him.

Should be "which is turned to him."

She can't feel it, but her life escapes just the same.

She can't feel herself being beaten to death? I'm not sure if I'm misreading what's happening here, but either way, it's confusing and I lost the thread of the story for a moment.

He doesn't hear her cries, doesn't notice when the pounding stops.

The pounding being her heart? or his blows? A tiny bit of clarification here would be useful.


Loveeed the last paragraph. Sincerely did.

Hope this was helpful and good luck!
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:iconselahdenoctiluca:
=SelahDeNoctiluca Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much for this! I guess while writing I kind of forgot that it was still in first person. I'm going to update story in a few seconds thanks to your critique!
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